A Letter to the League Of Asterisks

 

The 2025 season for the Upton Ass Blasters, in the League of Asterisks, was not only officially the best season of all fantasy football teams ran by managers named Blaise in 2025 but also of all time by any manager ever (reference on page 14,589 from the Guinness Book of World Records). Members of the League of Asterisks will be re-telling the story below to their grand children, garbage men, HOA representatives and their goomahs (watch the Sopranos you uncultured swine) for the next 45-72 years.

This story starts in 2023 when the ever-losing Upton Ass Blasters made it to the championship game for the first time in franchise history. They did this on the back of the best waiver claim in fantasy football history, Puka Nacua (reference on page 89 from the Guinness Home Brewers Guide). However, as he was coming off an injury in the prior week, he was an unconfident play and was benched. The Upton Ass Blasters lost by less than the amount of points Puka produced on the bench. On that day, the Upton Ass Blasters made a vow to never bench a healthy Puka again.

The 2024 season for the ever-winning Upton Ass Blasters was a let down. Drafting was great, the team was built to win, however Puka was injured for most of the year and the team made a last minute effort to forgo the playoffs in order to trade current assets for assets in 2025. The perpetual Ass Blasters traded names like Derrick Henry, “Scary” Terry McLaurin and James “I can” Cook for picks. They would Keep Puka as their captain for life (or 3 years based on the League of Asterisks keeper rules, whichever comes first).

These picks lead to what almost all say (reference #2234353 in the Farmers Almanac) as one of the greatest fantasy football (and baseball) drafts on paper of all time (and space). With names including:

• Christian “not McAfee” McAffrey,
• CeeDee Lamb “’s are better than sheep”,
• Kyren ‘the kraken” Williams,
• Joe “meet me in the” Burrow,
• Garrett “slick willy” Wilson,
• Omarion “the” Hampton “s”,
• Evan “Curren” Engram,
• Chris “if I fight Jesus, who will win?” Godwin “s”
• Kyle “meet Brandon and Dylan at the peach” Pitts.

This roster topped off with Puka as a 16^th round pick made it seem like no one else could win. In fact multiple league members wanted to concede defeat and forfeit the season but the ever-virtuosic Upton Ass Blasters wanted to win in true fashion, by crushing each team with large breasts. So the season went on.

As cocky and confident as the ever-humble Upton Ass Blasters were, the fantasy football gods had other plans. What looked like an automatic championship year, took a turn for the worst. The UAB’s went 0-2 in the first two matchups of the season and then got hit with a slew of injuries. There are 7 player slots (not including DST and Kicker) and a total of 14 weeks played. That is a total of 98 individual games. (What I did was multiply 7 and 14, they call that “magic math”). The Upton Ass Blasters lost 35 starter games out of 98, (which is about 35% of games which is almost half, if you round up and then it's almost the entire season if you round up again) due to injury. Including but not limited to:

• Garrett "Tom Hanks Loves" Wilson -10 Games
• Omarion Hampton -7 Games
• "Meet" Joe Burrow -9 Games
• Chris Godwin -5 Games
• Evan "Curren" Engram -4 Games
• Matt "Moses also carried a " Stafford 6 games (not really, only 1, but wanted to make it more dramatic but also it felt like a lot more cause I kept playing Flacco over him. And it was actually 0, he only missed his bye week but that counts)

Any other team (including the Upton Ass Blasters last year) would have traded all their players away, gotten a sad tattoo, taken a pity trip to Pennsylvania and just watched Kung Fu Pana 4 while eating GrubHub Outback steakhouse in their hotel room until next season. But not the ever-persevering Upton Ass Blasters. No way Jose (Torres, sucks).

This team was different. This team was built on depth and grit. While the "stars" were in physical therapy, the "Old Guard" took over. Keenan Allen and Courtland Sutton—two veterans many fantasy experts said were "past their prime"—refused to miss a single snap, helping Puka Nacua keep the receiving core a float.

And who would have thunk (certainly not Todd) that CMC would be healthy all year. How amazing and wonderful for me and not you!

After that 0-2 start, the ever-voluptuous Upton Ass Blasters went undefeated (12 wins in a row) in the regular season with half of their best players on the IR. Come the playoffs, the ever-superfluous Upton Ass Blasters went from winless and in last place to first place and a first-round bye. Eat shit, other teams.

Just in case, to make it impossible for the team to lose, their resilient manager made a few trade moves to reinforce the core of the team. Earlier on in the season, they acquired Matthew “Gandalf carries a” Stafford which turned out to be one of the greatest trades in professional sports history to not take place in professional sports (reference #45636r4 in the Fishers Almanac) as he finished as the top 3 QB in the league. If that wasn’t enough, the ever-consistent Upton Ass Blasters went out and brought in African American quarter back Lamar Jackson, who got hurt a bunch of times and just stunk. But, I’m just trying to paint the picture of how much effort was put in to reinforce this team. In the playoffs the ever-diverse Upton Ass Blasters only played Caucasian quarterbacks, and they won, go figure. This has nothing to do with race or anything aside from that the manager was really really good.

Another trade was made to sure up the very shaky TE room of Evans and Pitts. Two guys who never even know what day Sunday is. So, the ever- wavering Upton Ass Blasters added Travis Kelce to the team. This would certainly be the guy they would play in the playoffs right? No, because the Kansas City chiefs lost half Caucasian/half African American quarterback due to injury, and Kelce wasn’t trusted. Therefore, the ever-dignified Upton Ass Blaster played African American TE Kyle Pitts. This had everything to do with race and also that the manager was really really good. Kyle Pitts turned out to be the number two ranked Tight End in the league, how stupid. Even funnier, Kelce was ranked 3rd. Ha, all the other teams truly sucked.

So, the two deadline deals that the ever-unwavering Upton Ass Blasters made, didn’t work out, and they wasted a 3^rd round pick and a 7^th round pick but it still shows you how much the manager cares, and tried, and failed, but still won in the end!

Speaking of cannoli’s, the top two players in the league were CMC and Puka and in case you didn’t read all of this, they were on the ever-gracious Upton Ass Blasters. Jason Myers was a kicker that no one drafted so the ever-kicker-loving Upton Ass Blasters picked him up and he finished as the #1 kicker in the league. Kickers suck.

So what did we learn this year? I’ll tell you, right after I tell you that I took this article and uploaded it to ChatGPT to provide me with a summary of the 2025 League of Asterisks and it said this: You all suck, I won, I’m sorry Ben. Greatest Fantasy Football Season of all time, 14-2, 14 wins in a row, give me that big horn trophy so Kate can peg all you homos with it!

 

PS- Puka Rules